A much needed blog update is coming...

Slightly off axis

Last night, I felt something was off in me. Can't really explain what but i was just feeling a little down or out. I don't know how much stock i'd put into that feeling though because i really didn't have much of anything to do yesterday so i was quite bored. Nonetheless it was bad enough to merit a visit to scenic point for a little fresh air.

Anyways i really have two things that i can think of that i want to talk about right now that i suppose would go under this blog.

I Didn't Want to Bring This Back

Well here is my first true post in this blog. Truth be told, I made this blog almost a year ago but i didn't write in it because i didn't want to write in it. By writing in this, I'm censoring my main blog. However I have felt the increasing need to write in here. The problem with my old secret blog was that other people found out about it and what happened was in essense it because just another blog. It was pointless because i found myself "censoring" myself although the point of the blog was so that i didn't have to hold back. Anyways the point in this blog is the same as the old one, a way to expunge more of my private thoughts and talk about stuff that is more vulnerable to me. Only one other person knows about this blog and it is the same person who i told about my other blog.........It's very funny when i started my original blog, I knew about her but i didn't know her, and as anyone who has read my blog knows, she is a dominant figure in my blog in different aspects. You don't have to look further than the last two entries in June. Look at the "This Day in History" or the blog titled "My Buddy and Me", if there was a central character in my blog (besides me of course) it would be Tawni.......So it would be appropriate and fitting for the first topic in this blog to be about her........

1. For those wondering about Tawni.........

Haha even after 3-4 years, its never easy to start writing about about Tawni. I mean there is literally a million different ways i can branch out about her. I will start off with the predictable route and state that our friendship seems to have its ebbs and flows. By that I mean, we go through periods where we hang out a lot and things are really cool, and then there are periods where we barely talk and the only real way of communication is by my blog. In the high schools day, i could give a reason why that was......because back in the day i was crazy about her and in all honesty it did hurt alot seeing her with Paul. So hanging out with her took a very big toll on me emotionally (if you don't believe me check out the archives, it's very depressing). Anyways in college times, we've also experienced the same ebbs and flows but for other reasons. The reason I bring this up is because I am a little worried because we have been hanging out a lot and for me a least, I've really enjoyed it. But at the same time i don't want it to be one of those phases where we hang out a lot, and then all of a sudden it's back to talking few and far between over AIM. I really did take it to heart when we had a conversation once about her leaving and she said "it's not like you guys are going to notice i'm gone, a few weeks will pass by and things will return to normal"......It's funny because to be honest I haven't been able to image the idea of Tawni not being there....I mean even when we are barely talking to each other, the fact that she's not a couple minutes away is troubling. I mean outside family, no single person has had a greater impact on me than her so to say that her going away isn't going to affect me is a ridiculous statement......lol ok starting to get a little riled and emotional so we shall switch gears a tab about that......about the whole tawni and adam thing....i'm not sure......I have my opinions about him but no I do not feel like this is the place to put them in......not for any particular reason but just because i have talked to Tawni about this before so although i never really blogged about it in my main blog, I don't have any bottled up feelings towards it. However I do feel like i should talk about one last thing as I think i at least owe it to myself and my state of mind. The reason i bring this up is because of something Adam (the Korean) said to me. I have realized (for awhile now) that no matter how much time and rational thinking I put into it, there is always going to be a little part of me that's always going to like her. I'm not saying i haven't moved on because i have, I'm not longing for anything nor am I expecting or hoping for anything. And hanging out with her alot recently hasn't really changed anything. But ya, i can still sense that there is a part of me that's always gonna hope for it. I hope that makes sense. Like i said, the only reason why I bring this up is because i wanted to see it in writing if that makes sense....haha

Now that I've written some stuff on that, I can move onto another subject......

2. The Issues At Home

As i said earlier, although I'm numbering my topics, by no means does that dictate it's level of importance. The reason why I started out talking about Tawni was because like i said it would be fitting to start off my new blog talking about her, and second because she is the only person who knows of this blog. However, if there is one issue that bothers me mightily, it's the issue with my dad. I've never mentioned it on my regular blog because it bothers me to the point where i would hate it to talk to anyone about it. Once again only Tawni knows, and even then it took awhile before i decided to, actually i didn't decide to, just kinda the heat of the moment. I don't even like to talk about with my little sister and at times I know i've kinda blown up at her about it. It's just hard because your father is supposed to be the rock in the family and kind of keep everything intact (by definition at least). However for the past year or two, he has fallen under the addiction of gambling. It has been so bad that when he's in the gambling mood, he ignores all his responsibilities including business matters involving patients, picking up my mom, or my sister. I'm not sure what the money differential is (money lost vs. money gained) but i'm sure it's in the red. To be honest, i told everyone i was staying in Tucson to take summer school, volunteer, and maybe even try to get a pharm tech job but those weren't the main reasons why. I mean i could have done all those things in Phoenix, and i know i could have been hooked up with a pharm tech job here but if i would have stayed in Phoenix, it would have given my dad a perminent bail-out of his responsibilities. So i made the choice to stay here.....From what I know, I guess it's been pretty up and down with my dad. I think he wants to fix things but I don't think my dad has the willpower to do it. It is the same situation from when Marianne and me would have to wait at least an hour, sometimes two until we would get picked up because my dad would go fishing and completely lose track of time. It's been very hard for me because it eats at me everyday but i don't have a way to let any out. I've been trying to keep my respect for my dad but I ask myself how can i have respect for someone who not only wasted the massive amount of cushion money which my mom had gathered up, but also makes my mom double and sometimes triple what she has to do. I think my little sister has lost alot of respect for him, to the point that the lessons that my dad used to give to Marianne and me, my sister turns her ear. I see it occasionally when i go home and it bothers me extremely but i can't fault her.

If there is any silver lining, it is the better realization that i have about the hard work and care my mom has for the family. She works at the hospital, then comes home and does paperwork for the other businesses. She also does off-hand investments that have produced hundreds of thousands of dolalrs or quite possibly even a million. With all these business aspects, she has always made time for whatever my sister or me have ever needed. She is definately the strongest person i know, and the person I try to model myself after.

Ok didn't say nearly close to all I wanted to say with all of that, but i know i'll say more later but til then new topic.

3. So if Tawni hasn't been the main target in awhile, who is.......

This is only here because I can't really say all i want to say on my regular blog just because Michelle does read it. This is actually a tough question for me. I think for the most part, the whole Alysha thing has been well documented on my other blog. Pretty much, I had a chance (or at least we all think i did) but i didn't act on them until the end of the year. I did ask her out on a couple dates and both times she did seem like she really wanted to go but both times I got a cancelled. Since school ended its been completely stalled because she is in Rhode Island and her phone broke yet again. I don't know how i feel about her per say because she isn't here but i think the summer apart has given me ample time to get over her (and i'm pretty sure i have). That is far from complicated, but that's not the complicated part. The complicated part I think is Michelle. Now as a refresher, I liked her frosh year but i never did anything because it had friends written all over it. Anyways before school was out this year we were having a conversation and then out of the blue i mentioned I liked her a lot frosh year. Unfortunately this was all over AIM so her response to it was unreadable. The question is not what her response it but rather why did I say that. Now we all know me, and we all know that i don't mention things without reason (whether i know it or not). I think i said it to gather a read on her reaction, or maybe it was to make her feel better because i think we were talking about how all the guys seem to go for Aditi. Anyways the other mention is that after school ended and I was on my way to Phx, I got a call from Michelle about going bowling with her and a couple of people. So i went and it was really cool at first. We went with some of Katie's friends and one of them had a thing for Michelle. So we had to split up into two games, with Michelle and the guy playing in the other lane. I couldn't help but also notice that i was periodically looking over and seeing him split his game and i was getting jealous. And it got worse......we went to Denny's afterwards and we were just talking and i was kinda shielding her from him i guess you could say. Then when we started walking to a booth, he was obviously trying to sit next to her so i was definately trying to get in his way. Finally when we got to the booth, it was like playing a game of chicken, who was gonna flinch first and sit down. I flinched and sat first, then Michelle, then him. .......I guess the end point is that I was cockblocking the guy because i was jealous. Why I was jealous? My guess is maybe i still like her.......

I think that covers that.......final topic for this post....

4. What about my bros (and the girls)?

There isn't too much really to note with the guys. I haven't said much about it but i've tried to stay away from adam and dusty when they smoke because i'm trying to stay away from it. I don't mention it alot but i did have a period last year where i smoked with them over one of the school breaks. It was my first time and i felt that before i comdemn it, i did need to try it (especially since it hasn't had an impact on my life). Also with family problems going on, i guess you could say i needed a release. Anyways i guess you could say it's like getting drunk minus getting sick but there is one big difference that i've discovered......it's more addicting......I'm glad however that i haven't smoked out in a very very long time and i plan on continuing to do so. I'm trying to get Adam to quit as well because he seems to do it alot lately but since Dusty's doing the army, it'll be a catalyst to make Adam quit. With J-Bot, it's been a little weird. Since he told me he was gay, I haven't had a problem whatsoever with the fact that he's gay but rather, i wasn't sure how he wanted to handle it. By that i mean, how he wanted to handle it with the guys or the other roomies. I also felt a bit responsible in terms of making sure he didn't say anything he didn't want to say when he is drunk. There is also something else i want to say concerning J-Bot but i'll wait til either later in this paragraph or in a later post.

The girls on the other hand has been a lot weirder. Going into the summer, i figured i would have hung out with them a lot more but i really haven't. There are a couple reasons for this: One i guess you could say that it could be caused by my hanging out with Tawni a lot more this summer than i did during the school year. Another reason is because i felt kind of left out. This was what i was going to write about in the blog post titled "Second Fiddle". I mean it sounds stupid but this is it, like when summer started they were talking about how they all wanted to play raquetball and i was so down to play. Then last month, i'm in the kitchen and i see J-bot and I see him leave so i was like where you off to. He then tells me that they asked him to play raquetball so he's going to get his gym pass. So they start playing raquetball yet i didn't get an invite. I then started to make some subtle hints about it, yet no invite. So i then think that maybe they have an equal number of players so that's why i didn't get an invite. Then at the kickback we had recently, this kid Craig was there and apparently he played with them. So ya i did get upset because no one had the courtesy to invite me, they just assumed i didn't want to (which wasn't the case). I did talk to aditi about it when she was drunk but i think she kinda forgot. Then we briefly talked about it and then she invited me to play next time they play but that invite didn't come until i mentioned it yet again. So ya i know, it sounds stupid and kinda childish but ya it did bother me a lot considering in most circumstances, whenever we go do something, i'm usually making sure that everyone gets an invite because i don't want anyone to be left out of the happenings.......but oh well....what can ya do........if they were to invite me know, i know it will have only been because i've said something so no i don't think i would play.....

So this is my first post, the one thing i really wanted to write about, turned out to be the one i wrote about the least, but that's probably because i don't know what i want to say because.....i dunno i just don't...

Metamorphosis of TheXSpot

Well one blogs death is another blogs birth. I realized that i couldn't write in my blog without second guessing what i could say. Anyways the basic premise of this blog is the same as the old with the exception being I'm going to be as truthful and honest in this blog as possible. And this blog is only for me. I won't write in here often because i'm goint to try to loosen the restrains on my main blog but whatever i can't write there i'll write here. So til then.....